Sports Blog Week Starts Monday, You Prickbags

I hope you’re as excited as I am, because next week is going to be a great time. I’m going to pretend to be a sports blog from Monday-Friday, during which time I will be about truth and passion, use the royal “we” whenever I can, and have nothing but sports on this site. Roundups, news, observations and other special features that I think you’ll enjoy. My intern is charged.

NFL, CBS Not Ready to Acknowledge Ocho Cinco

This Chad Ocho Cinco things amuses me to no end. You know that thing you joke about doing but never do? Like changing your last name to Ocho Cinco because your bosses won’t let you put it on the back of your jersey? Well, Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco actually does it. Yahoo! updated their player page, as did ESPN.

It seems as though the NFL isn’t ready to move forward with this yet, as he’s still Chad Johnson on his player page. Same with CBS. It’s probably not on purpose, but maybe it is. Who knows? My blog is more about passion than truth. I’m thinking of changing the name to the Passionate Unprovable Rumor.

So That Ex-Player I Mentioned Was at the Tailgate

And it was Gary Clark, former Redskins wide receiver. I have a picture of me giving the finger while wearing his Super Bowl ring, but unfortunately that picture will probably never arrive in my inbox. Why? Well, I can’t go into details. Let’s just say the girl who was with Gary who took the photos of us with his ring offered to e-mail them to us. Then someone offered their e-mail to her, then sent her an e-mail during the game offering her a chance to “get weird” after the game, and she hasn’t responded. So my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a picture of me extending my middle finger while wearing a Redskin’s Super Bowl ring was ruined.

Giants Fans No Longer Care for Owner Steve Tisch

(Now with sexy video!)

Great moment at halftime of tonight’s Giants-Redskins game. That ad about fighting cancer with all the celebrities appears on the big screens. After that, Giants co-owner Steve Tisch steps to the microphone with a surprisingly smoking hot Christie Brinkley at his side to then talk about raising money to help fight cancer. Tisch is booed loudly and roundly for the duration of his speech. That’s right — Giants fans hate Tisch more than cancer right now.

Why would a fan base who mostly sings the praises of Giants ownership turn on Tisch?

Tonight Kicks Off a Five-Year Honeymoon Period

For nine months, we as Giants fans have been able to enjoy the greatest victory of our lives. I’m sure some of you married folk probably slipped up in front of your wives when you said, “Greatest moment of my life.” That led to you saying how you can’t compare it to your wedding day or birth of your twins, and probably a divorce. Whatever, dude. 17-14!

Tonight at Giants Stadium, the party ends, and it’s back to work. Many are saying the Giants are at best the third-best team in the NFC East, and all signs and history point to a major letdown season that is inevitable following a Super Bowl title and the loss of your two best defensive players. Well, let me tell you something.

Much Like in Highlander, There Can Be Only One

Before we get to the winner of the Name My Team contest, a quick story about the abuse of government power and my wit during our train ride to Jersey for this draft. There are a few of us in the league on the train, and one of them is this guy Jim. The train is packed tighter than a gay man’s asshole after a pride parade. It’s packed, man.

The conductor finally gets to us. We show our monthly passes and tickets. Jim says, “Is this still good?” as he shows his homeland security/FBI credentials. The conductor says that’s fine, meaning he doesn’t have to pay the fare. “Oh, come on,” I say, outraged by this. The conductor hears this, and he gets serious with me.

“Oh yeah? You should come back here after 9 p.m. and see the people who ride the train then,” he says.

Without missing a beat, I say, “Yeah, I hear a lot of terrorists ride the trains after 9 p.m.” Zing!

He didn’t like that. But you know what people like? Finding out the winner of my contest. And the winner is….

Movie Voice Guy’s Final Words Are Haunting, Cool

In news that isn’t very important but makes you go, “Oh, that guy was awesome,” movie trailer voice dude Don La La La La La La La La LaFontaine died. He was in that Geico commercial once, too. There’s all kinds of sperm lotteries you can win in life — being good-looking, being tall, having a giant penis or giant boobs. But having the perfect voice for movie trailers probably has to be the sperm lottery with the longest odds.

Los Angeles police released the transcript of LaFontaine’s 9-1-1 call, and while the audio isn’t out yet, the words just jump off the page when you imagine LaFontaine’s voice.

Women Are Obviously Complete and Total Idiots

We’ve all made bad decisions. That’s life, man. Trial and error. You figure out you shouldn’t touch the stove when it’s hot. You learn. You grow. Most of us do, anyway. That’s the foundation for evolving, for becoming a better person.

I’m not perfect, despite what that shrine in your bedroom indicates. I’ve screwed up. I once loved a woman who wasn’t clean. But hey, you can’t determine that sort of thing without running tests, so I can’t be blamed for that. However, if you chose Sarah Palin as your vice presidential candidate and you want to become president of this mediocre land of ours, well, epic fail, bro.

Name My Fantasy Football Team, Win Something!

Here’s the deal. I have a draft at 7 p.m. Wednesday night. My partner and I are breaking up and I’m taking over a team whose owner quit like a week ago. Of course, I pick 12th. All in all, I think it’s pretty effing nice of me.

But I realized I need to think of a team name ASAP. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but I have zero imagination and lack a creative bone in my body. Unless you count that time I let Charlie Kauffman fuck me. Whatever. I need a team name, and I am opening the floor to suggestions. If I choose your name, you will win a prize that is yet to be determined. Like I said, I’m not creative.

So submit a good team name in the comments. We can negotiate your prize if you win. You’ve got about 19 hours, so dazzle me, you beautiful sons of bitches. Oh, if you want a contest with real prize money, enter Vegas Watch’s contest, and don’t be confused by the URL.

If You’ve Got a Cock That’s Smelley, Is That Good?

I guess it is. Chris Smelley was tabbed as the starting QB for the South Carolina Gamecocks, causing many observers who learned of the move to think of smelly cock jokes and giggle uncontrollably at their desks for anywhere between 5 and 10 minutes.

Do you really want your most important Cock to be Smelley, though? Do fans want a Smelley Cock in their face every Saturday? I can’t picture cheerleaders being excited about having a Smelley Cock. “What kind of Cock do we have?!?! A Smelley Cock! Go team!” Perhaps Phoebe can re-write Smelly Cat and turn it into Smelley Cock. “Smelley Cock, Smelley Cock, what are they feeding you?”

OK. That’s it.